It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, June 22, 2011
withers away @ 7:30 pm

now for my records of the bkk trip for my own pleasure...

15062011 1025 bkk time
finally reached the hotel after the taxi driver got lost. we're staying on the 33rd floor omg. the highest floor of my block of flats isn't even this high! i think it's a, er, 5 star hotel?? hehe.

1228
more or less done with the buffet. going to get desserts now!

1313
we took the guy's phone away to put in my bag for safekeeping (and as a prank) cos he just left it on the table when the waitress was clearing our plates from the buffet. it's been what, half an hour since we took it and he still didn't realize it's missing. fail...
[update: he nv did realize it until his phone rang in my bag. actually even i forgot it was inside and was wondering what was ringing. he was still in a confused state while the other two of us just kept laughing at the back of the taxi. stupid guy lol.]

1420
just met gerald's two guy friends at siam paragon by chance. ok i mean we know they're all coming to bkk but didn't expect to meet them like that. we're going to have dinner tgt soon.
[update: turns out this grp of his friends are real highflyers. what, 20k a mth on a 3 day work wk? director of a music sch? and what what what? so high i dun even understand anymore. but we all think the friendship of what, 16 yrs? is so amazing and true, even with such highflyers. trust me, this bunch of guys dun look that rich at all. v low profile.]

1530
now we're at the tailor's... calyn's helping her bf tailor make shirts, gerald's getting his own...

1855
we're all worn out from the shopping. just sat down to decide on dinner. gerald's down with flu suddenly. hope he'll feel better after tonight's sleep.

2012
done with dinner and grocery shopping and we're all still v tired. queuing up for krispy kreme doughnuts for breakfast tml. going to see for ourselves what's so nice abt it.

2019
they started giving out free doughnuts to all in the queue. omg it's damn good.

2051
queuing for cab now. it's drizzling again. falling asleep standing.

2141
finally back in the hotel. damn tired.
[update: that night, we probably didnt talk to each other for what, a good 1 or 2 hrs. simply cos we were really too worn out. it was pretty funny on hindsight.]

16062011 1001
drank hot milo and ate doughnuts. heaven. off to platinum mall now.

1346
just bought a prepaid card to buy food around the food court.

1536
omg calyn and i just spent 1h in one accessory shop.

2051
can u imagine, we havent eaten! but we really shop until we drop. off to chinatown for good food. and durian!

2116
at chinatown now. eating a galore of seafood including fresh oysters, shark's fin soup, prawns and what have you. 7 dishes for 3 ppl.
[update: i know the time doesnt look so bad, but bkk time is behind sg time by an hour. so we actually only had dinner at 10+ sg time. so freaking hungry by then i was irritating the entire taxi of ppl with my whining.]

2310
the guy is still v energetic and the girls are dead lying on the sofa. i think its cos his flu was gone after the hot ginger tea dessert he had. i tried a mouthful. it was real potent. the guy's so energetic he's actually packing all that he's bought today. wth?

17062011 1214
had mango sticky rice for breakfast. the mango was oh so sweet. ytd's durian was fantastic too. now we're off to meet gerald's friends for lunch, then head to their tailor to make their suits, before we go for more shopping. current luggage only weighs abt 11kg. can buy another half a luggage full of stuff!

1903
after another afternoon of shopping, i've gotten so many dresses i'm losing count. going to collect calyn's bf's tailored shirts and do gerald's fitting. looks like tonight's dinner going to be at 10 again. we're intending to go back to chinatown for more seafood later.

2118
ok now's calyn's sick and we can't determine what's wrg. shld we still go out for dinner?

2152
after much deliberation, calyn has decided to still join us for dinner. praying that she'll be fine.

2214
ordering our food now. trying out some new stuff that we didnt eat last night.

2314
after listening to gerald's incidents in aust, i feel like we should really not taking sg's safety and racial equality for granted.

18062011 1118
after much deliberation and calling her mum, calyn has decided to still go to chatuchak with us, despite vomiting and having diarrhoea in the night. waiting for her to wash up while the two of us watch some fascinating fishing channel.

1428
just walked to the part of the mkt where they sell loads and loads of puppies. some look like they're only a few days old. some of their conditions are really quite saddening though.

1535
now i feel faint along with calyn. i think it's cos i havent had lunch. and i didnt drink my milo for breakfast. damn. so we're sitting down at some bench while gerald finishes up his shopping.

1555
so not looking forward to going back to the shitload of work tomorrow argh. still waiting for gerald to be back.

1711
back in the hotel waiting for gerald's tailer to deliver his suits. going to buy dinner back for calyn who is slping now. omg i really dun wanna go back to sg!
[update: calyn ended up not being able to slp cos she was too hungry, plus the tailor came late. so we all went out for dinner in the end. calyn would have starved to death if she had to wait for gerald and i to finish dinner before packing food back for her.]

1930
yakiniku dinner! spending the rest of the petty cash we have on this dinner.

2103
the girl at the ice cream shop talked to us in jap. could only catch her saying 「ください」. seeing our shocked expression, she continued saying 「日本人ですか?」with which i responded 「いいえ。」we're in bkk. u mean we really look like japs?? lol.

2151
gerald has fallen asleep at the table in front of his laptop and i'm laughing silently at him. poor guy, still need to do testimonial now.

19062011 1206
now all of us are down with diarrhoea, vomiting and nausea. first it hit calyn, then me, and now gerald. wonder what is it that caused it.
[update: till now we also dunno what it is. calyn vomitted twice before having diarrhoea the entire night. the same thing happened to me the next night. that's when we thought it shld be smth we both contacted. gerald's been in bkk for so many times, it didnt make sense that he fell sick too. but he also had diarrhoea before we checked out of the hotel, and felt like puking on the cab on the way to the airport. well, he held on to his puke till we reached, and couldnt take it in anymore. afterwhich he still felt queasy. just knew today that he did develop a bit of fever later on. just what hit us?]

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, June 21, 2011
withers away @ 11:43 pm

unknowingly, i think i've been in service (officially) for a year. can't rmbr when's the official date of appointment, since it's some time in the hols anyway.
and i wonder, how did i get here?
and i wonder, where will i go from here?
questions questions questions.
like i told my friend on the way back from bangkok, i so dun wanna grow up. then she said, but u can't grow old but not grow up. so i laughed, i dun wanna grow old and i dun wanna grow up.
人生,需要规划和想法。周遭的大家似乎都很清楚自己的方向。上头不止一次两次地问我我的方向,但是我答不上来。我总不能说,我不相信想太远,是吧?人生际遇的变幻莫测,我经历过,偏偏我却是个超讨厌改变的人。所以我觉得,何必想那么多?我从不过于担心,因为我知道我有能力。我算不上平步青云,更算不上最好,但是我知道我不差。我懒惰,但是用功;我抱怨;但是负责任。以往的二十多年我都是随着人生出现的际遇做选择,至今好像没什么大问题。我相信引领我的,因为祂比我更懂我。
我祈祷,接下来的人生,我能够继续被引导,被引导到真正属于我的地方。我需要智慧、需要力量……

It's something Mystical

Sunday, June 12, 2011
withers away @ 12:46 pm

backlogging backlogs...

abt gang's trip to batam...
03062011 2103
currently in the cab. thank God for pin's parents, who can speak malay and got us the cab. in this dark dark night, glad that we're safe.

2104
we've reached! hotel looks damn good, though the road here looks like shit.

2344
now we're all damn hungry but none of us brought food. and it's not like there's 7-11 outside. the restaurant's damn ex. but i'm damn hungry :(

2357
omg we finally decided on what to eat and drink. gonna try their local beer. hopefully the food comes soon. i'm really dying of hunger.

04062011 0039
done with food and beer. feel so damn satisfied.

1156
"stick" here means chopsticks. was so puzzled when she asked me.

1238
walked to the rocky beach and doing nothing. may go riding the go kart before hitting town.

1246
the true art of ponging by the beach.

1450
started raining alr. and we're going to town now. doink.

1740
roamed around the mall and bought nothing. think we're going to end up buying nothing except for food and activities.

1834
doing grocery shopping. took a whole basket of food.

05062011 1039
pouring like crazy while on the way to massage. hopefully the rain stops by the time we're going back, or else the water's going to be choppy while we're at sea.

1441
just done with massaging. really pretty interesting though i was a noob. hahaha.

It's something Mystical

Thursday, June 02, 2011
withers away @ 10:54 pm

now here's praying that the situation in bangkok will not worsen, so that we can go on our trip without worries. i'm the slowpoke who didnt even realize anything was going on, cos was too caught up with work. the guy is insistent on going, the girls are having reservations. evthg's booked alr, so all we can do now is kiv. we all need a freaking holiday break, so hopefully this can pull through...

and for now, we'll dump evthg in SG tml and go for our break. will cut off all conns with SG starting frm 7+pm tml. i refuse to do or think (i hope i can) abt work, though i know i'll be home to a huge pile of work. it's ok. it can wait. no one is going to die cos i'm going on strike for 2 days. sorry, i need to go on strike cos i've been working non-stop for the whole wk when i'm not supposed to. someone shld pay us OT...

It's something Mystical